Following the ‘buy-out’ of the previous owner (with whom I never quite saw eye-to-eye!) I have been asked to return to the fold by the new management team at the hotel. Officially I am a resident DJ from March 2010 onwards, but under new, improved & far more professional contract terms.

Of course this doesn’t mean that I am tied to working at Orsett Hall alone – I’m still available for hire anywhere, providing the date is free!

The whole dancefloor area is very much like a nightclub interior – black soundproofed walls, purpose-built DJ booth, large wooden dancefloor and overhead speakers. It’s all been put together very tastefully indeed. The dancefloor opens out into a large marquee-style room with star-cloth ceilings and drapes, again looking very classy.

Overall, if you’ve got about 150 guests and you’re looking for a really tasty venue to impress your friends, then I’d certainly recommend this one on it’s presentation alone!

The Monks Barn

Quite a large room, holding up to 180 guests I reckon, and with great old charm character. Access is a bit of a trek for DJs, and so setting up before the meal is advisable. ‘Stage’ area is good and faces down the long hall. Unfortunately the bar is behind the DJ, in a separate room….which creates all the usual problems of announcements being heard, etc. There is a sound limiter installed and it’s set on one of the lowest thresholds I’ve ever worked with, so try not to excite the crowd too much or their noise will trigger it to cut the power!  

The Cavalier Suite

A much smaller room than the Monks Barn, still with the same olde character. The dancefloor area is squarer and more compact, and again the DJ position is fairly central to the action. I quite like playing in this suite because it feels more like a nightclub set-up, the dancefloor being on a lower level than the bar. The dreaded sound limiter is included, but here it is much less sensitive than the Monks Barn, and you basically don’t need as much power anyhow. Access is slightly easier, but setting up is advised after the meal due to space confinements.

The Whitmore Suite

From the brief glimpse I got whilst visiting a working colleague, very modern and plush. The DJ’s position was a bit cramped and the dance floor quite small, but it did appear classy. Not as big and spacious as the old Whitmore Suite though, which was always a favourite of mine. Access for equipment is good (no stairs!).

The Gold Room

I love this suite! Perfect size and shape for most parties…it holds around 150 people I think, and it looks a million dollars. DJs can set up at one end or in the middle of the room, and again access is easy (two entrances to choose from). The original Gold Room was very historic and ornate, but a complete pain in the arse for a DJ, as the bar was in a separate room away from the action. This is a 100% improvement and highly recommended!

The Graham Thomas Pavilion

Built to replace the massive summer marquee and intended for very large functions, this suite is difficult for any DJ due to it’s sheer size. Unless you have around 350-400 guests to entertain, the place looks empty and the sound rings around it unimpressively. It’s great to look at, with glass apex ceilings and all the modern trappings, but a little too ‘cold’ for a good party atmosphere.

The Jaguar Bar

Underneath the Pavilion is a hidden gem, the Jaguar Bar. It holds around 100 people at most, and it’s very reminiscent of a classy city-centre wine bar. Can feel a little claustrophobic with it’s low mirrored ceilings, but essentially it’s a great venue for corporate drinks and birthday parties. DJs require minimum PA equipment and only one or two lighting effects (you can use the mirrored ceiling to double your display!).

Example 1 – I played a wedding three weeks ago in a fairly large and popular hotel venue. The nearest houses are at least 100 yards away and we were in a brick-built room (not a marquee). I checked my levels beforehand to ensure no embarrassing loss of sound during the evening, and then handed the mic to the Toastmaster to introduce the First Dance. After the song had ended, he raised his voice slightly to encourage the guests to applaud and Bang! All the power cut out and we waited three minutes for a staff member to reset it. The rest of the evening involved me constantly watching the meter whilst fielding complaints that it wasn’t loud enough. The end of the night saw it blow once more, and purely from the crowd’s cheering and clapping and nothing to do with my speakers!

Example 2 – A few years ago I arrived at a venue to discover I was sharing the stage with a live band. Everyone set up their stuff and I was looking forward to hearing some live music for a change. The band began their soundcheck, and within five seconds the power cut out and left the guitars, keyboards and singer without sound. It transpired that just a single ‘thwack’ on the snare drum had triggered the sound limiter. There was no way around it, so the band simply packed up and went home.

I guess what I’m trying to get at here is that venues have to pander to every resident who lives nearby and complains at the slightest noise. I sometimes question whether they can hear anything at all living 100 yards away and they are just being sheer bloody-minded!

So….if your party venue has one of these devices installed, prepare to be underwhelmed by the sound system!

In brief, I now offer a music mixing service…I can provide DJs with their whole set mixed together professionally on one MP3 file, I can re-edit those eternally long 12″ mixes to make them more commercially playable and I can amplify/compress/clean up those quiet tracks in your collection. In fact, I’ll have a go at just about anything audio!

Take a look – I hope I can help you!

Still, there are a few dates left to fill and I’m answering every email as quickly as I can.  We are offering discounts to any prospective brides and grooms holding their big day on a Mon-Thurs. There is definitely a trend towards midweek weddings as even the top hotels are promoting vast discounts in a bid to beat the recession. And a good idea it is too….

Invariably, there’s a bar wherever I turn up to DJ. And where there’s a bar, there’s always someone eager to take advantage of it’s contents. Below are some of the great examples of how not to behave on a night out in front of your family and friends…

• It was a hot night so most of the 20-Somethings took to skinny-dipping in the hotel pool. As if that wasn’t bad enough, they dragged themselves back into the function suite still dripping and semi-naked…a lovely site for Gran and Auntie Beryl I’m sure. And I wasn’t to be left out……shortly before midnight I was hit with a sopping wet pair of boxer shorts thrown from the jubilant revellers.
• A few too many vinos got the better of one particular bride. I thought she seemed a bit vacant when I arrived but I put it down to nerves. By the time the First Dance came around, she was led very slowly to the floor by her new hubby, whereupon she clung on to him for dear life for the duration of the record. By 9.00pm she was back in her room, unconcious on the marital bed and not to rise again until morning…she missed a good party!
• Every DJ has a tale or two about people falling into the equipment, but one young lad was so battered that whilst watching him try to dance and impress the girls, myself and my roadie were in hysterics…. laughing so hard that we didn’t even see him knock the speaker over because we were doubled up.

There are countless more tales I could regale, but most involve drunken people getting aggressive when their request doesn’t get played within five minutes! Oh the joys of being the only sober one in the room……

Please bear in mind that I’m not commenting on the hotel rooms, the food or the service…it’s purely based upon how the function suites are conducive to a good party atmosphere. There are a number of factors about the lay-out of a venue that can affect the whole ambience of the night, and below are a few pointers from the DJs perspective…

Starting with the Ivy Suite (Ivy Hill), it’s a small L-shaped suite with the bar in a separate room. This always makes life difficult for DJs, but the music (and announcements) are still audible at the bar. The dancing area is small and the DJ position is pretty much pre-determined by the size of the suite, so not much flexibility there. Acoustics are fine as there are lots of soft furnishings and there is currently no working sound limiter although the staff will let you know if you overstep the mark! It’s a good room for older guests who wish to escape the music, whilst the cosy dancing area is big enough to hold around sixty people doing their stuff!

The Margaretting Suite (Ivy Hill) is currently my favourite Essex wedding disco venue. It’s a newly-built long hall with the DJ position at one end and the bar at the other. The DJ can set up right in the middle of the back wall (so no corner problems) and fire his speakers straight down the hall. Acoustics are very good, dance floor is as large as you’d need and there’s even a store cupboard to lob your cases in until the party’s over! Only drawback is the low ceiling (and smoke alarms….there’s a surprise). There is a sound limiter fitted but it isn’t unreasonable. Every party I’ve played in this room has been a success, and I put a lot of that triumph down to the well-thought-out design. Thoroughly recommended.

Furze Hill is another newly refurbished suite, albeit slightly smaller. For DJs, the immediate problem is that the suite is on the first floor, accessed by a metal exterior staircase at the rear. Having overcome that, you are then faced with a small area in which to set up system (in a window bay). It is central to the room, right opposite the bar and creates a decent atmosphere. You don’t need much in the way of hefty sound systems to fill the place with noise, and again the acoustics are fine. All the usual gripes apply such as low ceiling, smoke alarms, etc and there is a restaurant downstairs so you may be asked to tone it down for the early part of the night. A very swish looking venue, and apart from the stairs, a pleasure to work in.

How come I never get to DJ at these weddings?