Invariably, there’s a bar wherever I turn up to DJ. And where there’s a bar, there’s always someone eager to take advantage of it’s contents. Below are some of the great examples of how not to behave on a night out in front of your family and friends…

• It was a hot night so most of the 20-Somethings took to skinny-dipping in the hotel pool. As if that wasn’t bad enough, they dragged themselves back into the function suite still dripping and semi-naked…a lovely site for Gran and Auntie Beryl I’m sure. And I wasn’t to be left out……shortly before midnight I was hit with a sopping wet pair of boxer shorts thrown from the jubilant revellers.
• A few too many vinos got the better of one particular bride. I thought she seemed a bit vacant when I arrived but I put it down to nerves. By the time the First Dance came around, she was led very slowly to the floor by her new hubby, whereupon she clung on to him for dear life for the duration of the record. By 9.00pm she was back in her room, unconcious on the marital bed and not to rise again until morning…she missed a good party!
• Every DJ has a tale or two about people falling into the equipment, but one young lad was so battered that whilst watching him try to dance and impress the girls, myself and my roadie were in hysterics…. laughing so hard that we didn’t even see him knock the speaker over because we were doubled up.

There are countless more tales I could regale, but most involve drunken people getting aggressive when their request doesn’t get played within five minutes! Oh the joys of being the only sober one in the room……

First one comes from my very early days as a wedding jock. Really nice venue out in the wilds of North Essex, wonderfully sunny day, Pimms on the lawn as the evening guests began to arrive, you get the picture….. I was being helped by my 13-year-old brother for the first time. He’d actually been more help than hindrance for a change, and the gear was put up in record time. We strode out onto the lawn and grabbed a glass of Pimms each as it was the only drink available before the bar opened. I didn’t consider it too alcoholic for my young sibling as it mostly consisted of apples, orange peel and floating pineapple bits. We sank them pretty quickly because it was so hot….and he returned to the table for another one…..and another one….and another. By now, it was time for the First Dance so I beckoned everyone inside to gather round and welcome our new bride and groom in the traditional manner. Only problem was, the two people stood in front of me were dressed in ripped jeans, heavy metal (well-worn) t-shirts and scruffy boots. I asked them to step aside and let our bride & groom take the centre stage (at which point I was still scanning the room trying to find them. It isn’t usually difficult to spot a huge white dress..) They laughed at me and insisted I just ‘get on with it.’ As politely as I could over the mic, I asked them again to move back and allow our new happy couple the centre of the floor for their dance. Looking increasingly agitated, the heavy rocker bloke strode towards me, leant forwards and whispered into my ear, “We ARE the f**king bride and groom. We got changed.”  I hit the play button immediately……

With tail suitable between legs, I looked round to my brother for whatever morale support a 13-year-old could possibly give me at this point, only to see him sliding slowly down the wall he was leaning against, Pimms in hand and silly grin on face. He spent the rest of the evening slouched on the floor, complaining of headache and dizziness. He’s still very much the same today, seventeen years on. But he doesn’t drink Pimms anymore.